What a relief. It's Friday and I can honestly say, never have I been happier that it's the weekend!
It was exam week you see and today was the penultimate-Globalisation. What a sham! I could only answer two out of the four question... and even those were dodgy. I wrote complete and utter gobledey gook... like seriously, I 'm ashamed that I had to hand up that paper. Because of what I wrote down, nothing is going to help redeem me or make me look in any way intelligent. Lets just say I'm happy I don't have to face Bones until next year. I blame him though. And myself! I know I'm the one mostly to blame... but Bones ain't no saint. He's a nice man, but very dry. It's hard to digest what he's trying to explain a lot of the time and the fact that he picks on people doesn't help. I found myself dodging classes because I was afraid to look like an idiot... but look where that's got me. Bleh! I guess it's good I can laugh about it and have other worries on my mind or I'd be seriously fretting right now.
The French exams were ok. I definitely passed- no question about it. Paper one was a bit tough, but I mean, I tried my best, I wrote things down, I didn't leave any blanks. Documentary went swimmingly compared to how I thought it would be. I expected a lot harder and seeing as most of the question were broad and non-specific I think I'll get by. I'm good at waffeling. Always have been. Some say it's a skill!
If anything is bringing me down, it's that dreadful Globalisation. I don't even know why I'm talking about it now because I decided in the exam that it actually wasn't all that important and a fail is not the end of the world. My parents won't be happy, and I will be a little ashamed, but I'll face the music and dance when the time comes.
After the exam Chelle and I went to the apartment and watched 10 things I Hate About You and In Her Shoes. It was great! We bought a ton of food and I kid you not when I say nothing has ever tasted so good or been more satisfying! We're talking Eddie Rockets take-out, Veggie Burger and Fries to share, Strawberries, Pink Lemondade, KINDER SURPRISE (sheep porn) and Cheesey Dorito's. Ah... such a feast! I pigged out big style. Because it's been such a stressful week I just wanted to let loose :) We had a good giggle... I love my Chelle. She's the best friend people dream of.... I seriously can't imagine my life without her. She has to be in my life till the end of time... If I was to ever loose touch with her, I think I'd mourn till the day I died. Actually, her absence in my life would probably kill me to be honest. Although... I best not let that happen cos she's find me and eat me :D If you've stumbled upon my blog, thats a private joke, don't worry, she's not a cannibal!
I'm so all over the place emotionally. I had the chat with C last week... and it was fine. I mean, he said he wanted to stop seeing each other once I leave. Realistically, it's the best option and I agree with his opinion-in my mind. My heart however, just can't let go or comprehend.
I feel really let down and hurt. In his email he said he wished to enjoy our last few weeks together. And that made me happy, at least. I began planning dates in my head... well bunch of wasted time that was.
I saw him last Friday, we went to see a movie and to a friends 21'st. I left early, as did he. But his goodbye was rushed as he was running for the last bus home. So I got a quick peck, but... it meant nothing. Which is heartbreaking. Because from the way things are appearing to be shaping up, that was possibly the last time I will ever kiss him or hold him. And what a crappy last memory to be left with it. Definitely nothing like the goodbye I've been imagining the past few weeks. Seriously, I think about him NON-STOP. I've never felt like this about another guy before.
Anyway.
Come Monday, I got this crazy idea that we should go out tonight and go to the bars we went to on our dates and then on to a club to dance. So I emailed him and suggested it. He ignored my email that night and wrote back the next day to let me know that he was going to watch his friends match with his dad. But he did invite me to a party on Sunday which I said I would let him know about. So on Wednesday I replied with a really sweet email I put a lot of thought into. His reply was very distant and told me he was unsure if he would go to the party. And that he was going out to get drunk that night. To be honest, I felt annoyed and my reply was really short and off. But I'm only human godammit!
What bugs me is this. There are so many girls on his profile that flirt with him. Girls he doesn't know. Girls he replies to and flirts back with. Girl's I can't help but get jealous of. Girl's he knows bug me when I see them flirting with him. So when he spoke to this one particular girl for over two hours, I felt really hurt. And to see his reply's hurt even further. She's been a regular fixture on his FB and B the past few days. I understand we're not together, but why do this when he KNOW'S how much it gets to me and that I get upset. When H sent me comments and hearts and kisses promising to dedicate a song to me, he mailed me pretty much straight away saying he was annoyed with H being so forward... So I stopped talking to H. When he told me hated seeing A on my page and that he felt intimidated by him, I stopped talking to A.
When I tell him it makes me feel like crap seeing these girls? He talks to them more and more.
I dunno. I don't understand what's happening or why I'm being pushed away. The only thing I think I did wrong was be late for our double date. And fair enough I was a little quiet when we went for drinks but that's because he was with HIS friends, talking about IN jokes and past experiences. I could hardly contribute much, could I? I listened and laughed accordingly but I can understand if maybe his friends thought I'm not worth his time... not that they know me but people judge, it's only natural.
That's why studying and concentrating on exams has been a nightmare. I can't tell you the amount of time's I've burst into tears the past week. I keep thinking of him with another girl and it's killing me. I love him... I can't help but want him all to myself. I keep remembering little things from past dates and having flashbacks and wish I could transport myself back in time so, so, so much.
I was questioning whether he actually did like me as much as he says he did.... and I wish so much I could get an insight into his brain right now. What is he thinking? Why is he ignoring me? Does he realize I feel hurt? Does he even care? Is he even thinking of me? Because you know how actions speak louder than words? Right about now his actions seriously contradict everything he's ever said :(
I know the other girls are funnier, prettier, more confident, have more freedom... better personalities.... thinner... sexier... more daring... but I can't help being me or the way I am. The way I've been brought up is different to most people and as a person I'm quite reserved and lack confidence. I feel nowhere near as pretty as most girls, I have a poor self image and I'm not funny or crazy or have what I'd describe as a particularly amazing personality. But I've always been good to him and tried to give him as much as I could. I tried to get into football for him, I watched more movies so we could talk movies, I listened to bands he liked.... I went to a lot of effort because I care and wanted to impress him. But even that's not good enough.
I hope Belgium changes me for the better. I want to grow as a person. Become funny, confident, have some interesting stories to tell, overcome my shyness.... lose weight. I basically want to come back home a completely different person. To wow him, to take his breath away and most of all... to have him miss me. It's crap that I'm down over a guy. I should be happy.... not sitting in on yet another night crying my eyes out. Because nobody has ever cried for me or over me. I wish I could be a little more selfish with my tears and my heart. But unlike him, I'm not a tap, I can't turn my feelings on and off quite so easily.
I knew I was going to end up like this. I just simply couldn't resist him. Because he's a wonderful person.
I just never saw it ending this way. Losing him. We're supposed to be remaining "good friends". So much for that. We'll see if he even comes to my going away party next Saturday. For some reason a part of me has lost hope... but the romantic in me is still clinging on for dear life wishing....
I guess time will tell. I promised myself to not get in touch with him after my attempt to arrange to meet up with him tonight. And then him blowing me off from the party. The way I see it, I've presented him with chances to see me... now if he wants to see me and if he care's, he can get in touch. I'm just really scared he won't. Because I can't handle it....
Oh god. The tears are seriously streaming down my face.
I feel so pathetic :(
*le sigh*
I've gone and gotten myself into a frenzy again. So it's another morning of waking up to puffy, red eyes. Awesome.
Anyway, at least it's ten days till I move to Belgium. The next week should FLY by! I'm planning on doing a massive clean-out of my room tomorrow and Sunday. I'm gonna try throw away as much stuff as possible and then bring old books and CD's and DVD's to Chapters to hopefully make some money. And HOPEFULLY, we can get out the suitcases on Sunday evening :) On Monday I'm planning on shopping with Michelle and maybe meeting up with Robyn. Much the same for Tuesday and Wednesday. Shopping and seeing people. I'd love to hang out with El and Clo. I love seeing my school friends.... I feel like I have nothing to hide with them. It's really comforting. I wish we could be as close as were were in school. We had some incredible times together. The walks home and to school were always my favourite. I actually really miss Kel as well but she's changed over time... and it's really sad. I loved her dearly. I wish I could go back to summer of Fifth year... those were the good times... we were so close and we spent so much time that summer just hanging out on the green..... GOD.... I dunno what's wrong with me tonight. The tears just keep on pouring. I guess Coldplay isn't helping cheer me up. Luckily the song is over now.
Next Thursday I'm hoping to pack and chill out. And Friday I'm doing a photoshoot. I've been dreading it and trying to get out of it cos I really can't stand the look of myself but I've seen some of the style sheets and it sounds like fun :) I'm not skinny or super tall and gorgeous so I guess that's why ideas of photo shoots put me off. I hate disappointing people and not meeting their expectations so again, another reason why I wish I could have just said no. I feel guilty too cos there are so many girls out there who would JUMP at the chance and then here I am presented with the chance but not so much grabbing it enthusiastically. Bleh.
See how much heartache can change a person? I'm normally such a happy person! I'm known for always smiling. You wouldn't think so from my post, ehy? Ah well. We all have down days. It gets annoying having to hide behind a smile all the time. Cos sometimes when people ask how I am or if I'm ok I just wanna scream and say "NO, no I'm not ok, I feel like shit actually...!"
So yea, till next Friday (and beyond) I plan of exercising loads, drinking tons of water and not eating crappy foods. Might as well try and do something to improve myself. I usually have so much motivation during the summer and see results, it's just in the winters that I seem to hit my depresso mode and feel like hibernating. It's kinda a huge part of the reason why I wanna move to a warm country in the future.
Saturday is our bon voyage night out... if I even go. Bob isn't gonna be there cos she's off to a 21st in the country. She's usually the one I can count on. If El and Chloe don't go, I don't see myself going in. I'll just embarrass myself with lack of friendship support. Much like my 19th. That was an awful feeling. And plus. If I go with no friends, expecting C to turn up and then not have him turn up at all... I can't even think about it.
Sunday I'll spend packing/recovering/getting excited/crying/with family. And Sunday night I'll be bouncing off the walls... I'm excited. New surroundings are just what I need.
Gosh this post is a bit of a monster, ehy? I didn't realize I had this much to say. Not that I'm saying a whole lot of interesting stuff but It's nice to vent a little. It'll help me in the future when I look back... and maybe provide me with some giggles too.
I'll try to be a bit more dedicated to my blog. But I'm not making any promises. But there's nothing worse than a broken promise.
x